Visit with Mom

Here is a Saturday visit with Mom. It was early afternoon and she had not gotten up and dressed yet, but we finally got there. A very special friend, almost 5 years old came to visit with her Mimi, so it was a special afternoon. We strolled around the nursing home to just see what we could see and get out of the room, but before long, Mom was ready to get back.

Mom has about 5 or 6 questions she asks over and over and our conversation stays along those lines. A friend shared some wisdom with me this morning at church - -- remember you are entering her world, not yours. Better truth could not be spoken.

I know Mom will have some visitors, so I will leave a book there for them to sign so we know they were there. She remembers she has visitors, but can't remember who they are. I feel like that might help in some ways for me to know. I am so new to this, so am learning the ropes from those who are wiser than me and have been there.

Love overflowed at church today for those of you who read this blog and may have been there. You know who you are and thank you.  It's a new chapter in our book.

Today was the day

It's been a most difficult three weeks as Mom has been in the hospital. A host of ailments, therapies, and decisions. Mom went to the nursing home today as a rehab patient, hopefully to build up strength. Mentally she has been confused at times, and she has a set of questions that she repeats over and over.

Mom doesn't seem to have the fight in her to get better. She sleeps a good bit. She's not really eating much at all. She really didn't understand exactly where she was going and why and asked over and over where she was.

The nursing home is what it is  - full of older people, who can no longer care for themselves, nor can their families care for them in the way that is needed.I hoped to never have to reach that point with Mom, but we can't always have it the way we want it. Did I want to make this decision? No.But I knew I could no longer give her the care she needed at home.  But, like my Mom, they all had lives, many of them full and vibrant, perhaps doing similar work to what you or I do.

I am grieving....Mom and I have been close, always have gotten along. She cannot help the way she is now. Her zest for life is no longer there. A lady who loved people, loved going and seeing, loved to know what was going on, seems to have faded away.

This is a time of transition for us - I feel like I need to enter back into the world slowly and carefully as the same person experiencing life in a different way. Be patient and gentle with me. I feel fragile. I feel alone, though I have a wonderful network of support of people who love me.

Mom, I'll see her tomorrow.

Keep watch, dear Lord, with those who work, or watch, or weep this night, and give your angels charge over those who sleep. Tend the sick, Lord Christ; give rest to the weary, bless the dying, soothe the suffering, pity the afflicted, shield the joyous; and all for your love's sake. Amen.(from the order of Compline, Book of Common Prayer)

And here we are today........

It's been a very long January and as we have started into February, it looks like it will continue. Mom is approahing 2 1/2 weeks in the hospital, now being in the "swing unit" meaning that the doctor doesn't go in daily and one is getting therapy to get their strength.

The thing is, Mom doesn't seem to want to regain her strength and she isn't eating well. She is sometimes pretty lucid, but other times she is confused. And she is sleeping a lot. They are supplementing her foods with products that add extra calories and protein, but she doesn't seem to really want to eat.

The days are long now, as I arise around 5:30, get ready for work, go to work, leave work, go to hospital and stay through supper. It makes for a long day, as I have been getting home around 7:30. 

Hello out there!!! I'm still me, I think. I still like thinking about going out to do things, even though that time is limited. I still like being asked if I would like to go someplace, even though I might not be able to.

How does one know how much time to spend with a parent in the hospital? Of course I cannot stay 24-7, but where is the balance? When does one claim some of their life as their own?  I know this is a privilege to be able to care for my mother, but why is it so damn hard?

Not looking for sympathy, just expressing thoughts. Sometimes it's a lonely path, even when you know that you have people who love and care for you.  What they can't do is take away the pain of seeing a parent who seems to be losing her zest for life.

Don't know what happens next with my Mom. I know if they discharged her today, I could no longer care for her. Her needs are greater than what I can handle. I don't know what tomorrow is going to bring. Perhaps those answers will be revealed soon.

And it was a Winter Wonderland

We returned Friday from our stay in the mountains, and one of the fringe benefits we had is that we actually had snow and lots of it - for us that is. Approximately 8-10 inches where we were and it remained on the ground until the day we left.  When we arrived, it took some ingenuity getting up the steep hill with shoveling and providing some traction under the tires. We finally made it up the hill but had no idea where the drive way was and as we walked we knew not where there were any "mines" underneath the beautiful snow.

Getting Mom into place was a challenge. They did have a ramp for wheelchair/walker, but it was in the back of the house. So more shoveling had to occur. Thank goodness we brought the wheelchair or we would have never gotten her in there. Ice and snow covered the ramp and it was hit and miss and a lot of prayer to get her into the house.

Thankfully we had bought the groceries before going to the house as we were housebound pretty much the entire time. Once the snow started easing off, there was slush and ice. And we were on top of a mountain. And we were inexperienced. And we just stayed put.

With plenty of wood for the fireplace and plenty of food, it was an iconic stay in the mountains, save the fact that we were a little concerned about the toilet paper holding out, in which it did, thankfully.

Mom had a couple of difficult nights, with being disoriented, so there were a couple of nights where sleep was sketchy at best. Sparing details of "it was a dark and stormy night", we made it through and as the sun arose, things seemed to improve.

With that being said, recovery for me has been somewhat bumpy. Physically, I am doing well - blood sugar mostly in the normal range, blood pressure good, I feel good to go. There are other parts that challenge me -- the emotional part of having a heart attack has set in some as one who knows I will always be at risk for another one. And the exercise part is no longer a should, but a must, if I want to live up to my end of the bargain.

And taking care of me and taking care of Mom is a big job as her dependence on me increases. Emotionally and physically it can be tough to experience. And that responsibility continues......every day. There are days I feel as I never had a chance to fully heal without still having the responsibility of caring for another person on a daily basis.

I don't want to give the impression of this being a whine session - it is not. I feel it is an honor to care for my Mom - a privilege, and with it comes sacrifices.

This Tuesday begins the second semester of the school year. It is my prayer I can see clearly through each day knowing  that each day will present its own unique challenges, both at home and work.

I would be remiss in not mentioning the love and support I receive from my husband, who is my rock. In addition there are many friends who I can call, email, or chat my frustrations away or just to use as a sounding board. Some of you who read this are the very ones of whom I write.

I hope to post pictures of our trip of some of the highlights of a true winter wonderland for these southern folks. I can no longer say I have never experienced snow. Rats, I forgot to make a snow angel. Will someone remember and do that for me sometime this winter just for me?

Fine Dining at a Diner

Every morning, I bring Mom her breakfast, make sure she takes her medicines, and just check on her in general. This morning, she had this face that told me things weren't quite right, like she didn't feel good. I prodded a little bit to see what I could get out of her. Finally, she said. "I just need to get out of the house for a bit."

This evening we are off to a local spot that used to be a Waffle House. Nothing fancy, just getting out.

This afternoon, on Facebook, I saw this video from Youtube on a letter from aging parents to their children. Some of you will skip over it. If you have aging parents, please watch it. It reminds us of who we are and whose we are on many levels.

Almost, but not

I came home this afternoon and called Mom (even though we live on the same property), and see how her day went and talked about supper. She kept on and on, like something was on her mind and she was beating around the bush.

She finally got around to it. She was feeling sorry for herself because no one wished her a happy birthday.

Her birthday is in two weeks. She was certain it was September 1.

It will be here soon, Mom.

I love you.

Returning Home

Yesterday was our return to home from the mountains.  Six hours in the car is a bit long  - and for my Mom, it was especially long. It was not an easy trip home, with several hitches along the way.  It took its toll on both of us. It was something beyond the control of either of us. Words in the prayer below that speak to me are distress, dignity, peace, willingness to accept help.

 

For the Aged

Look with mercy, O God our Father,

on all whose increasing years bring them weakness, distress, or isolation.

Provide for them homes of dignity and peace;

give them understanding helpers,

and the willingness to accept help;

and, as their strength diminishes,

increase their faith and their assurance of your love.

This we ask in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord.

Amen.

Book of Common Prayer

 

It took me today to recollect myself, so I can only imagine how Mom feels.  Then, as I was going to sleep, Mom fell, and called me to help her to get up. Last night I couldn't do it by myself. I woke up my husband to help me. Then it took me until after 2 to get to sleep. Sometimes this is really hard, but I wouldn't have it any other way. The part that is really hard is that it goes day in and day out and sometimes I don't think I am doing a very good job. The wonderful part is that I feel as I am returning to her all the love she has given me and continues to give me. 

 

Some days are really tough.

Gallavanting with Mom

Yesterday was filled with going to and fro with Mom. She is on a Nicholas Sparks reading kick, so if any of you want to read his book in this town, you might find the library's supply of his books a little low. She is the type of reader when she finds an author that suits her liking, we have a run on them. Problem is I can't keep up with what she has read and not read. But yesterday, we went to the library, so she did get a few more books - Debbie Macomber books keep her quite happy too.

The morning started off with her 3 month check up at the doctor, plus follow up post hospital stay, which she does not remember (is that a blessing? For her, yes). It was a good appointment, with his encouragement for her to move around more. She was adamant she WAS moving around a lot in the house by getting up and going to the bathroom. True.

Library visit, as mentioned above, and then to get her haircut. She has found the MAN to cut her hair, who makes her feel like a queen, and if it makes her feel that good, then it is worth the money she spends, though I think it is on the pricey side. And, they are good to her and treat her like royalty. When I get to be her age, I want to be treated like that too. (I hope my children hear that?).

Decisions decisions as to where to get a bite to eat lunch, so we went to the country club (where my husband is golf pro) and ate our sandwich and had a gorgeous view of the golf course. We sat and watched the grass grow.

Reprieve?

Yesterday was one of those Alexander days - terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day.  It reeked of yuck. The morning was filled with home health care visitors - the nurse, the home health care aide to assist Mom in showering. Another urine specimen travels to the lab at the hospital. Mom doesn't want to eat, doesn't want to drink. Nada, nothing. C'mon Mom, I am going to read you the riot act. Get better. Now.

We had to make a decision about Mom's dog. Though she had a sweet dog of Callie, I started calling her mad dog. Other than Mom and me, she would nip bite anyone who entered into Mom's place. Not good when you have folks coming in and out to care for Mom, especially those who are terrified of animals. Mom was no longer actually caring for the dog - I was. And.... she had made a mess of the carpet... in ways I won't go into details. Bottom line was we had to do something with her. So yesterday we did.

Later in the afternoon, we took the trip up about 70 miles to return her to the place where we got her originally. We had been told that if we needed to return her at any time, we could. So after several conversations,  we took her "home" to where her roots were. Bittersweet. Had to be done.

Thankfully I had a friend go with me as I was feeling very blue and anxious. More anxious than I have been in some time. In fact, a feeling I have not had in some time. Anxiety that pervades my very being. Memories from some time ago when the anxiety attacks were such that I was going to seek medical help. I was scared of that feeling - no one can see that pain or anxiousness when it is bottled up inside until it overflows into tears. Tears of catharsis - which allows the anxiety to flow and drain.

We arrived home after picking up dear sweet 12 year old and ate supper. I was literally exhausted in all respects. I checked on Mom several times to take care of this and that, and trying to get her to drink. Frustration.

So this morning, I awaken at a little after 6 and peek into her door to check on her. She is sitting on the side of the bed. I walk in to check on her. She is talking. She is actually having a conversation. She told me she drank the smoothie we got her yesterday in the middle of the night. Her leg pain is gone. She feels better. BETTER.

Went over a little later. She is actually sitting in her chair reading.  Today, I am hopeful she tells me "I'm hungry". That will be music to my ears.

I am hoping this is a turn around in the pain she has been having. If it is a brief reprieve, I am thankful.

It's been a long several weeks. Painful on many levels. All I can hope is that the pain is past and we can continue the journey with outstretched hands.......

Some semblance of normal???

My mom is still not well. She complains of pain in her legs - seems to be worse at night, but also is bothering her this morning. Not sure at this point exactly what is causing this, but know it is bothering her. Last night she had me come over several times to be with her. Pray we will know why the legs are bothering her so much and that some relief will be given. I want that for her.

I am weary and tired. I am dealing with a pulled muscle in my back so that does not help matters much.

If  you are the praying type, please offer prayers for us to feel strength and the ability to work through this tough time. Pray we get some relief for Mom.

Don't ever get old.....

Mom is in the hospital - seems as though the infection was just whooping her and she couldn't seem to fight it off. We had a very restless Sunday night as I stayed with her since her legs were bothering her so much. By 4:30, she had dozed off, so I did get a few hours of sleep. I stayed home that day to keep an eye out on her and by 8 o'clock, we knew we would be calling in to the doctor. We made the call, but as time moves slowly sometimes from hearing back, Mom decided she better go to the emergency room. So off we went.

This time we knew she would stay. She was tired. Worn out. Hurting. Wanting relief. We got to the room and she got settled and finally she got some medicine for relief of her legs hurting. I dozed off and finally she dozed off after several interruptions. I needed to go home to let the dogs out and to get a little sleep.

I returned after several hours and found her sitting by the side of the bed eating supper. THAT is a good sign. Plus she said she felt better than she had in days. I do believe the combination of fluids and the fact she didn't have to get up every 15 minutes to the bathroom gave her much needed rest.

She scooted me home and I was confident enough that she was doing well enough that I could do that.

Last night she told me.... "don't ever get old" - and I said "ok, Mom". Before I knew it, I was then considering the alternative, I might want to GET OLD, but I knew what she meant. She was weary of not feeling good.  Hopefully this afternoon is the start of her recovering from this infection.