Lent and community

It's been quite some time since I have posted anything on this blog, and wondered if I should just create a new blog, clear the slate and begin anew. However, for now, I believe I will stay put and put my thoughts, ideas, happenings here.

I went to Eucharist this evening, prior to our Lenten study on gifts. The tiny chapel was overflowing with  members of our little church, all of them who stayed for the study. Breaking bread together before breaking bread together - a double thanksgiving. Simple meals become the norm for Wednesday nights in our church. And finish the night off with Compline. 

For the past couple of nights, I have been closing my evenings by listening to Stopford's The Lord Bless you and keep you.  It's now one of my favorites. I share with you:

An adventure of the summer!

Last year, my son moved out west to Portland. It's a long way to be away from one of your very own, but he likes it out there and is happy. What more can a mother want? So... I am making a trip out west to see him. It will be an adventure to me - not ever being out in the Northwest, barely ever crossing the Mississippi, makes this an epic adventure in traveling for me.

A few adjustments to be made - June weather is not the same in the northwest as it is in the southeast. I think I can live with the highs in the 60s and 70s, but no cooler, thank you.

One of the big excitements for me is to travel on several different modes of transportation - stay tuned!

I look forward to posting about my travels as I cross the country and get a taste of a different part of our country.

Veni, Veni, Emanuel

As we venture into the last week of Advent, I post this hymn performed by Mannheim Steamroller.

It's been 6 months since I have posted.  I post today from sorrow, confusion, grief, and frustration. Senseless killings have occurred at an elementary school in Newtown, Connecticut. Twenty 1st graders and six adults were shot and killed by a man who entered the school and went on a rampage.

I started teaching in 1989. I cannot remember a door being locked during the school day. Adults and children could enter the school as they went about their day. Today is different. Doors are locked, security cameras are placed strategically both in and outside of the school.


I do see how our culture has changed - some for the better, some for the worse. I see the lack of innocence in so many children today. I see the actions which tell me that they see and experience too many things that no child should see or hear.  Parents who are focused on their cellphones, Ipods, computers, televisions. Children who can sing the songs with expletives, yet cannot recite a nursery rhyme.

My heart hurts for the parents, families, friends, and schoolmates. Those lives will never be the same again. My heart aches for this country, questioning why - and wondering what will it take for there to be change that will make a difference so this will not happen again. Too many times this has happened. So far nothing has changed.

What is it going to take? Prayers we can be instruments of change so this no longer happens.

Week in the Mountains

It's been some time since I have posted. School has ended. A family trip to the mountains offered a spot of refreshment as we found a place on the river and could watch the time go by. Funny how each person's ideal of a vacation plays a part in family. Some of us perfectly content watch time pass us by, while others of us need a plan, something to do. So, we compromise and have a little of this and a little of that planned, with the  in between times where we can just be.

The place on the river offered us scenes of wildlife not seen often until we slow down. Mallard ducks swam in formation on the river with their ducklings, showing them the ropes of what life is as a duck. Canadian geese did the same, though at different times of the day. The occasional snake kept those ever vigilant of those creatures on their toes.

And oh, the lightning bugs - when and where were the last time I saw these insects bringing back memories of childhood? We do not see these anymore where we live - perhaps the mosquito pesticides that are sprayed get them?  I look forward to the day I see my grandson chase and catch them as I did as a child.

Here is a video view of our little piece of quiet we had:

Away but back home

Three nights at the beach with some of my family gave me some away time. Still much work to be done. More to write about here. Trying to get some focus here, which is not so easy. Thank goodness for friends and family.

Tears

I was pretty confident that I had grieved through most of last year with Mom in the nursing home. I saw the Mom I knew become less of this world and preparing for the next. So  when her death finally came, I felt a sense of relief, knowing that the hardest chapter of her life was over and she could go ahead and enter into the next.

Well, the grieving comes in waves, and just like tides of the ocean, it ebbs and flows. This week I received a note from my cousin, sharing memories of her aunt/my mom. Good memories. And the last sentence hit me. "I know you miss her like crazy." That sentence has stuck with me all this week and I have thought about it a good bit about how it hit me and what it means.

I do miss her like crazy, but I don't miss the last year of her life, where she really was not the Mom I knew. I became her Mom, as she became confused with the roles of who we were. I miss the times before then, the times we were able to enjoy doing things together, watching her enjoy life in her golden years. Seeing the twinkle in her eyes in the excitement of an anticipation of a trip, or going to church, or going out to eat. She loved living in this small town where people knew her by name, catered to her as she became less able to move around (though she fought it, she loved it at the same time). Those are the times I miss.

So life goes on, and one can't just decide to grieve and get it over with. It doesn't work that way. It comes at times we least suspect it and sometimes for no reason at all.

Acts of kindness touch me. I received a letter from one of Mom's doctors - her dermatologist. Handwritten even. A touch on the shoulder asking me if I am ok at school can bring on the tears. But most of all, these gestures of kindness show me how the simplest acts can be so meaningful. The friend who brought over some assorted teas --each time I make a cup of tea and choose from the wonderful hodgepodge, I am thankful for her kindness and gives me time to think about Mom, even it for a very brief moment.

For others, many have not lost a parent - they haven't traveled that road yet. They have not had a significant loss in their family. One day it will happen, and others will show them the way and carry them through the rough times.

I wonder about how I have had to deal with the grieving of my Mom compared to my Dad. I loved both dearly, but my reaction to my Dad's passing was different. I am guessing because Mom lived with us for about 5 years so I saw her daily and saw her decline, where Dad's death was sudden. Or could my grief by a culmination of the two, knowing that both of my parents are  no longer with me? That I do not know, but it's a possibility.

Today at the Eucharistic Prayer, I watched as the bread and the wine was being blessed and the story of the Last Supper was told. I hear it Sunday after Sunday. Today it moved me to tears and by the time we got to the Lord's prayer, I started praying, but finally I had to stop as my tears were flowing and I could no longer continue the prayers. The beauty of the community of believers who carried on with the prayer, carrying me through the prayer with their voices until I could rejoin them later.  Wet prayers, those were. Tears of thanksgiving, tears of grief, tears of the beauty of the Eucharist, and tears perhaps for others whose tears have yet to flow. Thanks be to God.

Light of my life pictured here

It's been almost a month since Mom's passing. Funny how life goes on - no real pauses outwardly, but I feel the pause inside of me - as in a regrouping, trying to figure out where all is arranged now.  I have taken my knitting as a way of finding time to think with the rhythm of the needles as the single strand of yarn becomes connected into a solid piece of work.

Lots of touching lately - by fellow workers, friends, and acquaintances, letting me know their thoughts are with me. Sometimes nothing is said, and that is ok.

Here is a highlight of this month - brightens my heart. He's three months old now. 

 

I have no idea why this scarf picture is sideways - it is not in my photo editing program.  Anyway, it's a cashmere scarf made from Yarn Harlot's Reversible Scarf Pattern.  Pretend you are looking at it in the right direction.

Working on a sweater and it is getting to the point where if I take a picture of it you might recognize it as such. Stay tuned.

Mid January

The blogger window has been open for several days waiting for some words to pop up on the screen. Funny, it has remained blank. Seems I can post a FB update status, but to actually put something together that appears to be a post..... well, it appears to elude me.

Out of sorts best describes the feeling I have right now. I can't really put my finger on any one thing, but can also put it on LOTS of things at the same time. Loss, winter, grief, yearning, lack of focus, all contribute, I believe. At least I can blame it on something. Whether it is that or not, I don't know.

In the meantime, I have been knitting. I am taking a class to knit a top down sweater - for the confident beginner. I believe my skills are a little beyond confident beginner, but how I benefit from this is to learn some little tricks on the way which only another knitter can show you - sometimes when you don't even think you need it. I also benefit from it by the fact that you have a deadline to get to a certain point, so it pushes me forward. I might get this sweater completed before it starts getting warmer here in South Georgia. If I took a picture of the work in progress, it would look all bunched up since it is on a circular needle, so I will spare you a picture. However, I have a little scarf in progress which I will share with you a photo (somehow it ended up above the paragraph, and I'm not fooling with it. I know better.).

I would be remiss if I did not mention how thankful I am for those who continue to show support, knowing that the grief from the loss of a loved one does not go away after a week or two. I found myself driving into the nursing home the other day and then remembered that Mom was gone.

Life continues on.
.

Mourning

Today was a day where the loss of Mom has really set. I am grateful for the weeks I have had off for Christmas, but am still feeling quite exhausted, wanting to sleep. Tomorrow work begins again, and am hoping getting into the routine of a schedule will help.

The sympathy cards have been of help, and has allowed the tears to flow (wet prayers).

I am thankful for the spontaneous gathering of friends for supper, even though I didn't feel like good company. They were good company for me.

Even though I knew it was time for Mom to go, I still really really miss her. A lot.

6 months - no post?? Well, here you have it.

It's been about 6 months since I have posted and many life changes have occurred during this time. There is a grandson in our lives and we love him so! Almost 3 months old now, we are thoroughly enjoying him. Interestingly, on the same day he was born, my husband had a heart attack about the same time as his birth. Scary ordeal and very mixed emotions that day. All is well now, but we did have a scare.

Mom's failing health and general decline over the last year was difficult. Weight loss, increased dementia, and a stroke in December found Mom entering into God's heavenly kingdom December 28. Needless to say, we have had quite the year.

It has been very touching and moving to have the love and support of so many especially over the last months of Mom's life. Seeing a loved one, especially a parent, pass away, is one of those things you learn as you go. I am thankful for those who have led me along the way, especially when I didn't really know where we were going along life's path. Well, I DID know where we were going, but didn't always know the steps to take.

So, it has been a week since Mom passed away. Last night I dozed off in the chair and woke up suddenly thinking "Oh, I need to go see Mom" and realized she is no longer here. It feels surreal, as there is a void.

So the new year begins - and I don't know where it will lead me, but I am here.

Independence Day

It will be a quiet Independence at our house. No big celebration as today is a day where my husband works so others can play golf on their day off. Nature of the job.

I love the country in which I live, but I am ever mindful we are just a piece of the world, where others also love their homeland.

I find this fitting today for Independence Day - it speaks greater of who we are as a people on this earth.

 

This Is My Song

This is my song, O God of all the nations,
a song of peace for lands afar and mine.
This is my home, the country where my heart is;
here are my hopes, my dreams, my holy shrine;
but other hearts in other lands are beating
with hopes and dreams as true and high as mine.

My country's skies are bluer than the ocean,
and sunlight beams on cloverleaf and pine.
But other lands have sunlight too, and clover,
and skies are ev'rywhere as blue as mine.
So hear my song, O God of all the nations,
a song of peace for their land and for mine.

This is my prayer, O God of all earth's kingdoms,
your kingdom come; on earth your will be done.
O God, be lifted up till all shall serve you,
and hearts united learn to live as one.
So hear my prayer, O God of all the nations;
myself I give you; let your will be done.



Text: Lloyd Stone, 1912-1993, sts. 1-2; Georgia Harkness, 1891-1974, st. 3
Text sts. 1-2 © 1934, 1962 Lorenz Publishing Company. Text st. 3 © 1964 Lorenz Publishing Company. All rights reserved.

As I walk

Since school has been out, I have been focusing in on trying to walk daily. It's done at the YMCA on the treadmill where the gnats are not members, and the room is cool and comfortable. I have been listening to my playlists on my Ipod and find it an eclectic mix of music. It keeps me distracted and I love listening to the variety I have on there. So I post for you one of my pieces I listen to while I walk. It seems to work perfectly for me.

Sweet Potato and Quinoa Salad

For some reason, I was unable to post this on Facebook's Note section, so I figured there was more than one way to skin a cat - so here it is!

Sweet Potato and Quinoa Salad

2 1/2 cups cooked quinoa or other small kernel grain (1 c. raw quinoa, 2 c. water, bring to boil with a little salt, cover and simmer 12 min.  Fluff grain with a fork, cover and let sit another 10-15 min.)

1 large or 2 med. (about 1 lb. sweet potatoes)

salt

1 red bell pepper, cored, seeded and diced

1/4 c. minced red onion or shallot

freshly ground black pepper

1/4 c. extra virgin olive oil

2 Tbsp. balsamic vinegar

1/4 c. minced fresh chives or parsley (I used parsley)

 

If you haven't already, cook the quinoa.  Be sure to rinse grains well to clean off the bitter coating on it before cooking and drain thoroughly.  Peel sweet potato, dice it into 1/2" or smaller pieces.  Cook it in salted, boiling water to cover until tender.  Drain well. Toss together the potato, quinoa, bell pepper, parsley and onion.  Sprinkle with salt and pepper.  Whisk the oil and vinegar together and toss the salad with about 1/2 of mixture.  Add all or some of the rest to taste.  Adjust seasoning.   Enjoy!

 

I had to add more dressing to the salad today.  At least half again as much. 

 

It is from Mark Bittman's, How to Cook Everything Vegetarian, cookbook.

How I changed the recipe - I added a can of black beans, washed and drained the beans.  I also added diced yellow bell pepper.

 

Recap and looking towards summer

I just got to thinking about this past school year. Students' last day is tomorrow and we finish up on Monday. We started off with 6 furlough days. However, the school year was bumpy - not because of my class. My students this year were a great group. However, this year included:

• a heart attack and a diagnosis of type 2 diabetes
• my mother's continued decline in health, resulting in placement in a nursing facility
• a broken tailbone
• shingles

Enough already. On the flip side:

• I am going to be a grandmother this fall.

So this summer, I am going to:

• take it easy
• read books
• exercise
• spend a week at the beach
• knit

What are you doing this summer?

Good Friday

Maundy Thursday

"To wash the feet of a brother or a sister in Christ, to allow someone to wash our feet, is a sign that together we want to follow Jesus, to take the downward path, to find Jesus' presence in the poor and the weak. Is it not a sign that we too want to live a heart-to-heart relationship with others, to meet them as a person and a friend, and to live in communion with them?"
- Jean Vanier

Palm Sunday

Palm Sunday ... reminds us that at the moment of what seems to be the height of Jesus' public acceptance also begins the process of His public betrayal, His public failure, His public abandonment. Only in the mind of God is Jesus any longer a success, it seems ... Here in the Passion narrative we trace the struggle, one scene at a time, between the Word of God and the ways of the world.  

Joan Chittister, from her book The Liturgical Year

It's the mood I'm in

In anticipation of Holy Week, I went to a web site which has hymns posted just prior to its season or observance. Ah, Holy Jesus was one of the hymns posted. It echoed my mood I was experiencing this evening.  The mood is what it is. The music, beautiful.







Ah, holy Jesus, how hast thou offended,
that man to judge thee hath in hate pretended?
By foes derided, by thine own rejected,
O most afflicted.

Who was the guilty? Who brought this upon thee?
Alas, my treason, Jesus, hath undone thee.
'Twas I, Lord Jesus, I it was denied thee:
I crucified thee.

Lo, the Good Shepherd for the sheep is offered;
the slave hath sinned, and the Son hath suffered;
for our atonement, while we nothing heedeth,
God intercedeth.

For me, kind Jesus, was thy incarnation,
thy mortal sorrow, and thy life's oblation;
thy death of anguish and thy bitter passion,
for my salvation.

Therefore, kind Jesus, since I cannot pay thee,
I do adore thee, and will ever pray thee,
think on thy pity and thy love unswerving,
not my deserving.

Text: Johann Heermann (1585-1647); trans. Robert Seymour Bridges (1844-1930)
Tune: HERZLIEBSTER JESU 11.11.11.5 (later form of melody by Johann Crüger, 1598-1662, arranged by Johann Sebastian Bach, 1685-1750)

Reflections and Anticipation at the Beach

It's a photo I seem to take each time I am down at the little oyster bar and restaurant I frequent when I go to Apalachicola. Somehow the direction of the boat has shifted some, but the beauty of it as it near sunset remains the same to me. Amazing what a camera phone will take these days.

The days down at the coast have provided me with what I would call respite from the world of work and the obligations of each day - some of the angst I have felt over the past months have been because of life changes, some from grieving, some from the self imposed worry I allow to take over my brain at times. I can consider some justified as a part of "growing up" and dealing with adult worries, while other parts were useless worries.

But I believe that life threatening crises and placing a parent in a nursing facility will set most people on edge, but the intensity of the feelings in my heart were what they were, and are what they are. I am coming to peace with some of it, feeling growth in other parts where I can see the blessing of it, but other parts of the grieving will remain with me for some time.  The prayers of those of you who have had me in my prayers were and are being felt, and for that I am grateful. The fact that I have a faith which provides comfort to me in tough times were there even if I wasn't feeling it at the time, because there were those of you who carried me through the hardest of times.

This week,  I have had an opportunity to refresh parts of me as I have taken a break from the every day world. I consider it a luxury to be able to do this as I know there are many who need this sort of getaway to purge the stresses of life, whatever they may be.

The week has had variety as the ebb and flow of family and friends have joined us - from a dear husband and daughter who joined me at the beginning of the week (along with the canine family), where cooking, swimming, sunbathing (daughter!), and sitting by the gulf waves provided food for the heart, soul, and stomach.

The intense storm which came through the earlier part of the week provided beautiful days of sunshine with a chill in the air, wind to stir and keep us moving, and beautiful water - as beautiful as I have seen it here. Warm enough for swimming in a heated pool and cool enough to keep us in the water, avoiding the chill of getting out of the water. It's the price one pays during the springtime where it is warm enough to THINK we can get in the water and DO!

Uninterrupted reading and the completing of three books brought satisfaction in the fact that I have felt a void in reading and seemed to have a period of weeks where reading felt impossible to indulge in. Two books felt substantial, where the third I consider "fluffy" and just what the doctor ordered. A fourth book will be on the horizon, but no anticipation of finishing it before we leave, and that is just fine.

In the past 24 hours, the television has been turned off, with quiet in the house. It's provided me with the "sound of silence" - which allows my mind to quiet and feel some calm. We live in such a noisy world, one that being busy seems to be more important than being still and listening to the sounds we do not hear unless there is silence, such as one of a wild snail eating :).

More family arrives today to bring the weekend to life. My own flesh and blood, along with a third generation in the oven, will join me in to enjoy time by the sea. Memories will be created as our weekend together will be different than in times past. In some ways, a new beginning, but not forgetting what memories we have had in the past.

So our girl weekend begins with an anticipation of joy and fun and love.